


The Skeleton Games Sidequests

by poetax



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Underfell, Alternative Perspective, Comedy, F/F, F/M, Japes, Nobody else Swears, Reader Is Not Frisk, Reader is a vampire, Sex Talk, Sexual Humor, Short Sans, Side Story, Sometimes no reader in chapter, Tall Reader, Tsundere Sans, sans swears
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-20
Updated: 2018-07-20
Packaged: 2018-10-08 09:09:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10383219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/poetax/pseuds/poetax
Summary: Side stories for The Skeleton Games Underfell.  These aren't required when reading the main story.  The barrier of Underfell is broken and the monsters are free.  A month later they are allowed into the city.  One morning you wake to the sound of your new jerk neighbor playing the loudest and worst music.  Wait... you know that game.  Time to get back at that jerk.  And maybe make friends with him too.  You could always use a new gaming buddy.  Besides his rage face is so cute.Want to readThe Skeleton Games





	1. A MonsterSexUcation

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [The Skeleton Games](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8700787) by [poetax](https://archiveofourown.org/users/poetax/pseuds/poetax). 



> Yay, I finished the first one. Its sooooo good. Hope you all love it.

Sans shuffles behind his brother as they search for the building marked with a large uppercase letter D. They walk through lines of hobbling monsters, checking each temporary building they pass looking for the right one. After looking at several lettered signs, Papyrus realizes they're arranged in something close to alphabetical order. He quickly changes directions heading where building D would most likely be waiting.

 

Sans's caseworker assured him multiple times the videos he's about to watch would better “integrate” him human society.They were "specially" designed by the government to educate monsters on basic human knowledge, and he was instructed to pay close attention. Afterwards, he would be issued a simple test to determine if he understood the information presented.

 

Sans rolls his eyelights just thinking about the idiotic asshole talking down to him like he didn’t know shit. Enough'a yer fuckin’ human trash's fallen inna underground for us to know how things work up here. S' not like we’re a bunch of fuckin’ uncivilized morons who don’t know how ta “fit” into yer dumb ass society.

 

He peers at the other monsters entering with him. Burgerpants walks several feet away from those two annoying gossiping girls who sold weapons behind MTT. What were their names... Bratty and Catty or something?. The orange cat monster keeps looking up at them nervously like he wants to say something, before closing his mouth and keeping his eyes averted to the floor. Tch, that guy's always such a loser. The fact that he hadn’t been dusted underground's a miracle ta life itself.

 

Behind him, small wet slapping sounds fill the air from the tentacled monster Onionsan. The giant octopus monster fashioned a large fishbowl on wheels so he could propel himself around via his tentacles. The crude contraption worked surprisingly well for the aquatic monster. Allowing him to leave the underground and camp at Mt. Ebotts base, instead of waiting below ground while the King and human government worked out their integration plan.

 

Papyrus enters the small mobile building, followed immediately by Sans. Its filled with desks and chairs of several sizes, set up like a classroom. Each desk already has a blank sheet of paper, and pencil setup on top. Once inside, the two are met with loud obnoxious laughter.

 

“Gahahaha! Well, look who it is. The former captain of a single district. Hah! Looks like another opportunity's presented itself for me to humiliate ya today.” Undyne, the former duo captain of the royal guard looks Papyrus down with her one beady yellow eye as she cackles from a front row desk seat. Alphys, the former royal scientist sits next to her leaned over her desk nervously wringing her hands.

 

Papyrus quickly straightens as he hears her taunts, eye sockets narrowing as he sneers.

 

“THE ONLY HUMILIATION SHALL BE YOUR OWN, UNDYNE. BROUGHT UPON BY YOUR DELUSIONAL IMAGINATION OF GRANDEUR. IT IS FORTUNATE WE HAVE BEEN ASSIGNED THE SAME EDUCATIONAL COMPARTMENT, AS I WILL NOW BE ABLE TO PERSONALLY WITNESS YOUR IDIOTIC DOWNFALL BY MY OWN HANDS. PREPARE YOURSELF FOR THE END, USELESS GUARDSWOMAN, AND WATCH AS I QUICKLY MASTER THESE INFORMATIVE VIDEOS ON THE SECRETS OF HUMAN SOCIETY.”  Papyrus poses with one clawed hand in the air, the other pointing at Undyne.

 

Undyne takes the challenge by leaping to her feet and placing one leg on her desk chair.

 

“Hah, in your dreams Single District! Me'n Alphy have been watching historical videos on humans for months! We've had a head start.” She smiles triumphantly her sharp crooked teeth cutting across her face.

 

“AS IF THOSE PITIFUL HUMAN SHOWS FOR CHILDREN ARE OF ANY WORTH. THEIR LEVEL OF ACCURACY HAS ALREADY BEEN COMPLETELY DISPROVED. I HAVE YET TO SEE ANY OF THE LARGE SWORDS OR MAGICAL HUMAN FEMALES PROMINENTLY FEATURED IN THEM NOW THAT WE ARE ABOVE GROUND.”

 

“Shows what you know! Alphy tell him about that thing you saw the other day!” Undyne yells to the creature sitting beside her.

 

The little yellow dinosaur pushes her glasses up further on her snout causing them to flash in the artificial lighting. “O-O-One of the military hu-hu-humans was eating r-r-rice balls during their l-lunch break.  And-”

 

“There HA! We would never be able to identify them without the documentaries we watched. For all we know, they could have passed as jelly filled donuts!” She looks at Papyrus in triumph.

 

“TCH... ONE WOULD HARDLY CONSTITUTE THAT KNOWLEDGE AS IMPORTANT.” Papyrus says, folding his arms.

 

“You’re just jealous our human culinary expertise is now greater than your own.” Undyne answers with a smirk.

 

Papyrus's socket twitches. “THIS IS ONLY A SMALL OVERSIGHT! THE KNOWLEDGE OF ONE MORE FOOD ITEM DOES NOT PROVE ANY MORE COOKING MASTERY THAN MY OWN. I THE GREAT AND TERRIBLE PAPYRUS BEING ALREADY FAR AHEAD OF YOUR LOW-”

 

“Excuse me!” An obnoxious voice interrupts from behind.

 

Papyrus stops talking immediately. He swivels his head around taking in the offender who would dare try and interrupt him.

 

“Yea, you're like, standing in the doorway. It's really rude. If you could move yourself over, that would be great thanks.” A short ufo shaped monster stands behind Papyrus. He smells like Cheetos and sour milk.

 

“JERRY…”  Papyrus mutters.

 

“Fuck off Jerry, yer interrupting us.” Sans says, annoyed Jerry is once again pissing off his brother.

 

“Shut up Sans, yer such a failure. Nobody asked you.” Jerry retorts hands on his gross greasy magic hips.

 

Fuckin’ Jerry! That asshole always hast ta show up and ruin everything. Some of Sans worst days were when Papyrus came home after dealing with Jerry messing with one of his puzzles. Papyrus always tooke his anger out on Sans later. Sans fuckin' hates Jerry.

 

“What's'a matter Papyrus. Gettin' bossed around by a guy from your own district. Gahahah!” Undyne jeers from her desk.

 

“GET OUT OF HERE YOU FILTHY DISGUSTING TRASH!” Papyrus shouts at the short monster.

 

“We aren’t underground anymore, you can’t tell me what to do!” Jerry picks at a spot in his nose.

 

“YOU WILL RESPECT YOUR FORMER AUTHORITIES AS ASGORE COMMANDED OR THIS CAMPGROUND WILL BE BROUGHT TO UTTER CHAOS.”

 

The pressure in the air rises as Papyrus’s magic begins to boil.

 

“Tch, whatever… I gotta like, watch these dumb videos or whatever, so move.” He slides between Papyrus pushing Sans to the side. Sans wipes at the spots where Jerry touched him in disgust.

 

Papyrus continues to keep his magic on high alert as he watches him take a desk in the back. His gloved hands creak under pressure as he squeezes them.

 

“Boss-” Sans starts to warn.

 

“SHUT IT SANS. I KNOW! YOU WILL NOT INTERRUPT-” He seethes, but he stops abruptly when Sans flinches away from him. "TCH..." Papyrus stomps over to the desks, picking the empty seat next to Undyne. Sans follows behind sitting next to him.

 

“By the way Papyrus. Me'n Alphy gotta hot date tonight. Make sure ya show up on time ta do your job.”

 

“YOU WILL HAVE TO POSTPONE IT UNTIL TOMORROW. I’VE GOT BORDER DUTY TO ATTEND TO.”

 

“What! Ya had border duty for the last three days.” Undyne exclaims.

 

“WHEN YOU ARE AS IMPORTANT, GREAT, AND TERRIBLE AS I, IT BECOMES DIFFICULT TO HAVE TIME FOR EVERYONE'S INSIGNIFICANT NEEDS. NEYH HEH HEH! YOU WILL HAVE TO RESCHEDULE, OR FIND SOMEONE ELSE TEMPORARILY. GUARD DUTY COMES BEFORE MY JOB AS OFFICIAL THIRD WHEEL.”

 

Undyne leans forward in her desk, glancing slowly past Papyrus at Sans.

 

“Don’ fuckin’ look at me. I ain’t doing that shit!” Sans responds. He does not want to spend his night on a date with Alphys and Undyne watching them make out and canoodle together in front of some stupid anime.

 

Papyrus somehow got it into his soul that every dating couple required an official third wheel to moderate proper dating behavior. He probably got the idea from that damn dating manual for humans he found in the dump. When Alphys and Undyne hooked up, Papyrus became their official third wheel. Properly following along on all their dates and preventing any “publicly indecent” behavior. This is what happens when your society goes to shit and people stop dating for so long the skill is completely lost.

 

“DON’T BOTHER ASKING SANS. HE HAS NO DATING POWER WHATSOEVER. HE WOULD LAZE ABOUT ON THE JOB LIKE THE FILTHY SLOTH HE IS. IF HE WERE TO TAKE OVER THE IMPORTANT TASK OF THIRD WHEEL, THE BOTH OF YOU WOULD BE MAKING OUT AND PERFORMING OTHER SUCH ACTS OF INAPPROPRIATE PUBLIC BEHAVIOR IN NO TIME. YOU WILL SIMPLY HAVE TO RESCHEDULE SO MY GREAT AND TERRIBLE PRESENCE WILL BE THERE TO KEEP YOU BOTH FIRMLY IN LINE.”

 

“Fine! We’ll do it tomorrow. But you better be ready. The last date me and Alphy were able to get kisses past you three times.”

 

“HAH, A MINOR SETBACK. YOU HAD TO PERFORM THOSE ACTS OF AFFECTION QUICKLY WHILST I WAS DISTRACTED. SUCH LOWBROW SNEAKERY WILL NOT PASS MY PERFECT MONITORING TECHNIQUE AGAIN. YOUR RELATIONSHIP WILL BE THOROUGHLY JAPED WHEN I AM DONE WITH OUR DATE TOMORROW. JUST YOU WAIT!”

 

“As if! Me and Alphy will be even closer than before." Undyne says, snagging the yellow dinosaur in a hug. "Our dating power far outranks your third wheel power.”

 

Papyrus is about to answer back when a tiny human enters the building, pushing a tv attached to a kart. The room's conversions fall to silence as the group of deadly looking monsters sitting in school desks watch the human wheel the squeaky kart slowly to the center of the room. So many red and dark eyes follow her movements in awkward silence as she plugs everything into the wall.  When the human finally finishes her set up, she stands to address the room.  She starts to shake nervously as she takes in the vicious looking bunch.  She attempts to hide herself with the small notebook she brought.  What a joke.

 

“He-Hello everyone.  M-My name is Patricia. I'm here today to help you watch some important videos. The government designed these to help e-educate and inform you on a few topics prior to letting you integrate into human society.”

 

Sans rolls his eyelights.  This human's a fuckin’ joke.  She’s standing there, practically shaking like a leaf in front'a all us.  Lucky for them, wimpy ass shits like these didn’t get locked underground.  They wouldn’t last two seconds.  She can’t even look any'a us in the fuckin’ eyes.  Why the hell did they send a pansy ass twat ta “teach” us about humanity.

 

Sans leans himself on the back two legs of his chair, balancing precariously with his feet hooked under his desk for support.  Fuck everything.  Monsters finally get outta that shitty hole and look where they are now.  Fuckin’ stuck camping onna side of a shitty mountain with a bunch'a dumb ass humans guardin’ the place'n tellin’ us what ta do.  They’re fucken’ lucky the Kid made us promise not to blow'um all in'ta smithereens when we got out, r’ they’d all be dead by now.  

 

His fake smile falters for a second.  Well… 'cept they got all those weapons'n shit… Monsters didn’t actually know how far the humans advanced their technology while they'd been locked away.  He remembers watching a human attempt to invade the monster encampment with a homemade explosive.  The human guards had quickly apprehended the approaching man and diffused the situation before anything could escalate further.  He'd been fascinated at how easily they worked together to get the task done.  Monsters hadn't worked like that with one another in a long time.  Humans had all this deadly equipment, but they were able to solve the situation through teamwork and training rather than brute force.

 

“There will be a test shortly after, designed to assess your comprehension of the films information.  It will-”

 

Sans interrupt her as he shoots his hand up. The woman falters when she sees it.  Sans smiles to himself... this's gonna be fun.

 

“Uh... yes, ummm, y-you in front.”

 

“I’d like ta asses yer assets.”  He wiggles his brow bones smirking.

 

The human's face shoots red and the classroom explodes with laughter, particularly from Bratty and Catty in the back.  Onionsan blows bubbles of merth through his fishbowl, and even Burgerpants is snickering into his paws.

 

“SANS YOU DISGUSTING FILTH, THAT IS HIGHLY INAPPROPRIATE!  EVERYONE KNOWS HUMANS ARE NOT SUITABLE CREATURES FOR DATING MATERIAL.”  Papyrus lectures his brother as Sans continues laughing while leaning back in his chair.

 

Undyne pounds on her desk, while Alphys stutters something incomprehensible, pushing her glasses back up her face. They both make a racket as the room erupts into chaos.

 

“Like Oh my god! I can’t believe he said that here.”

 

“He’s so gross.”

 

“I can’t believe he just flirted with a human!”

 

“Disguesting.”

 

Sans continues to snicker loudly as the room dies down.  Fuckin’ humans'r dumb as shit!  They’re so easy!  Who the fuck would ever find them attractive.  Holy shit, they're so stupid.  Fuckin’ dumb shits think they can educate him.

 

“Uuum.  Pl-Please if you could all.”  The wimpy human tries to call the classroom of terrifying monsters, all currently laughing at her, to silence.

 

“Wassamatter sweetheart.  I thought we’re here ta learn more about one another.  Dont'cha wanna learn more about me.”  Sans says resting his arms behind his head as he winks at the human.

 

The room erupts into chaos again.

 

“SANS, QUIT MESSING WITH THIS FRAGILE USELESS HUMAN.  YOU ARE PREVENTING THE VIEWING OF THEIR CULTURAL SECRETS WITH YOUR HORRIBLE FLIRTING TECHNIQUES.”

 

“Heh, sorry Boss.  Hope this doesn’t make you think **lesson** me.”

 

“SANS!  YOU WILL STOP THESE TERRIBLE PUNS AND PICKUP LINES THIS INSTANT!”

 

Sans can sense the wrath in his brother, so he keeps the next few puns to himself and instead continues his low gravelly snickers.

 

“Pl-Please…  If-If you would listen.  Umm.”  The human falters as she tries to remember where she left off.

 

“Th-There will be a test later to see if you understand the in-information presented.  You will be required to answer at least 75% correctly to receive a check on your ID and be allowed into the city.”

 

San's chair slams onto all fours.  Fuck!  There goes his plan to doodle a middle finger out of the bubbles on the test sheet.  Are they fuckin’ serious.  They gotta pass this shit to leave this ass bag of a camp.  Fuck humans.  All of them can die.  Go and rot like the gross meatbags ya'all are.

 

Sans feels his smile falter.  He quickly forces it back into place before anyone can catch it.

 

“Anyone who does not pass the first time, will be given more opportunities to try again at a later time.  There will be three videos.  One on understanding the human body.  One on proper behavior when socializing with humans.”  Her eyes land on Sans as she says the second one.  “And one on basic human laws.”

 

Why the fuck did she give him that look!  The hell?

 

Alphys raises her hand.  The human looks at it as though she's worried another incident will happen.

 

“Uhh-Ummm yes?”

 

“Will we be r-required to me-me-memorize dates and names?”  Alphys asks.

 

“No… this will be a basic comprehension test.  Nothing difficult like memorizing facts or dates.”  The stupid human answers.

 

Alphys scribbles something down on her sheet of paper.

 

“Any other questions?”  The human asks.

 

Besides a few giggles coming from the corner of the room where Bratty and Catty are sitting, the room remains silent.

 

“Alright, I’ll start the first video.  Please pay attention.”

 

The human starts the video, and the screen goes dark before large bolded letters pop into view indicating the title behind a backdrop of a male and female human smiling.  “The Human Body:  A Visual Guide to Human Biology.”

 

A disembodied calm male voice begins to narrate the video as it begins showing pictures of a variety of humans all doing menial everyday things.

 

“Hello, and welcome to our educational video.  'The human body, a visual guide to human biology.'  I am your host, John Robertson.  Today I will be guiding you on a tour, through a series of information about humans, to help you better understand the people you are about to be around on an everyday basis.  The goal of this video will be understanding how the human body works, and basic human reproduction. With that in mind, let's jump right in.”

 

Sans sockets widen and his eyelights blow wide.  What! Reproduction?  They can’t show that.  Not here.  Not with his Boss sitting three feet away.  What the fuck are they thinking? Sure he's curious how a fuckin’ dumb ass species who can’t even pull their own soul out manages to reproduce. But that doesn't mean he wants to find out in a room full of people he knows.  Can’t they just read a pamphlet or something!  Shit!

 

Sans turns to look at his Boss, trying to see how he's reacting to the video.  Papyrus has his head placed on his hands as he leans his elbows on the desk in front of him.  His sockets narrow as he watches the movie with rapt undivided attention.

 

Besides him, Undyne seems to be barely paying attention.  She twirls her pencil over and over in her webbed hand, yawning at the calming disembodied voice.  Alphys on the other hand, rapidly scribbles on her sheet of paper, glasses reflecting off the light of the video.  How shes managed to take so many notes this early in the video is anyone's guess.

 

“The human body is a marvelous machine.  It is the result of a collection of systems all working together to function properly.  It's much like a puzzle,”  Papyrus flinches to attention as he says this.  “All the pieces fit into their own unique place, but, if you remove one piece, the whole thing falls apart.”  

 

The tv shows an image of a puzzle being put together with different words on it, like heart, lungs, bones… ect.  Then a piece is removed and the puzzle falls.

 

“Today we are going to go over some of those pieces and why they are so important to humans.  Here we go!”

 

The screen switches to a diagram of a human skeleton.  A naked skeleton.  

 

“Holy Papyrus! it's you!”  Undyne screeches.  Laughing and pounding on her desk.

 

“O-Oh m-m-m-my”  Alphs says before writing even more fervently on her paper than ever.

 

Papyrus face slowly turns redder and redder as he averts his eyes from the screen.  Sans feels his own magic heating his face.  The image doesn’t really bother him, but the close proximity to his brother, and the other monsters in the room while looking at something like this are making him feel awkward.  He knew, of course, humans had skeletons in them.  Everyone talked about it, and made fun of him for it growing up.  But it was really strange seeing it thoroughly explained for the first time.

 

“Like, oh my god I can’t believe they're showing that!”  Bratty laughs.

 

“Humans are so naughty!”  Catty giggles back.

 

Burgerpants chuckles into his paw silently behind Sans. 

 

“Ohh-Ohh geese, OOOOH Geese.”  Onionsans bubbles.

 

“Gross, I did not need to see that.”  Jerry moans obnoxiously.

 

“SHHHHH”  The human says from the side trying to keep everyone quiet.

 

“Here we have the human skeleton.  It’s what holds up the structure of their bodies.  Without it, humans would be unable to stay standing, their bodies dropping to the floor like a sack of potatoes.  There are 206 bones in the adult human body.  Their bones facilitate six primary functions.  Support, movement, protection, production of blood cells, storage of minerals, and endocrine regulation.

 

There is very little difference between the male and female skeleton.  In general, female skeletal elements tend to be smaller and less robust than their corresponding male elements.  The human female pelvis is also different from that of males in order to facilitate child birth.”

 

The video continues to show various shots of the human skeleton, focusing on different bones, and showing a male vs female skeleton.  Sans notices a few differences between himself and the video, namely, his bones are a lot larger and less delicate.  He also remembers counting his bones a few years back and not finding quite as many as 206.  

 

It shows a closeup of a skeletons pelvis when it mentions it, and Sans has to force his hood up to cover his face as his magic burns hotter.

 

“Oh my god!  Hahaha Pap, I can’t…. I just can’t hahaha.”  Undyne is now crying with laughter as Papyrus sits in shock when they show the various shots of a male and female pelvis for comparison.

 

Even the human who's hosting the video starts to look embarrassed for the two skeletons as they sit in the front row, watching a video with naked skeletons.

 

“The next layer is the human circulatory system, or the cardiovascular system.”  The voice continues.

 

The movie displays a bunch of strange looking lines running all over a backdrop of a human body.

 

“It is an organ system that permits blood to circulate and transport nutrients throughout the body.  Blood carries the oxygen we breathe throughout our bodies and distributes it to our different systems to keep them working.  Blood is important to humans, and nearly all living things, as without it, we would immediately die.”

 

The movie shows diagrams of various animals and humans, then writes large x’s across them when it mentions them dying.  It then switches back to the circulatory diagram, focusing in on the heart.

 

“The heart is the center of all humans circulatory systems.  As it beats, life blood is pumped through the body to the very ends of our toes and fingers.  Human hearts are often culturally considered what drives us to make our choices.  It's that important!  The human heartbeat is so strong it can be felt by touching the delicate veins on our bodies.  Let's listen now to the sound of a heartbeat now.”

 

The video zooms back out, showing the circulatory system, now with arrows indicating blood flow and an animation of the heart beating.

 

“Badum...Badum….Badum.”

 

Sans stares at the screen in interest.  This is actually quite similar to the magical flow systems all monsters have from their souls.  He finds it peculiar that the soul is characterized by a shape called a heart, and yet, humans have also named their organ a heart as well.  Of course, monster souls don’t beat… They sort of hum as the magic moves through them.

 

The video shows another overlay, this time a cross section view of a bunch of strange long wiggly things set in a human's stomach.

 

“This is the human digestive system.  Unlike monsters who digest their food into magic.  Humans do not have magic, and therefore digest food differently.  When a human eats food, it passes into the stomach….”  

 

The video shows an animation of food moving into a human mouth and traveling down into the stomach sack.  It wasn’t very strange to Sans, he knew the solid monsters often had stomach sacks that allowed them to magically digest the energy in human food.  

 

“...Once it passes through the stomach it moves into the intestine where it is further digested.  When all available energy is absorbed, anything indigestible is escorted out of the human body through the anus.”

 

...wut…? Sans blinks his sockets a few times as he stares.

 

What!  Humans don’t sweat it out.  What the hell, it turns into a chunk of brown stuff and they just, shoot it out of themselves.  What the fuckin' hell!  Fucken' just pops out from between their legs.  Has Frisk been doing this the whole time he was underground?  He never saw it.

 

“I DON’T RECALL FRISK EVER DOING SOMETHING AS IDIOTIC AS THIS!”  Papyrus states.

 

“SHHHHHH”  The human shushes from across the room as more of the monsters began to whisper.

 

The video continues showing another overlay.  This time, a bunch of striped red things all over the body.

 

“At the outermost layer, humans have the muscular system.  These muscles allow humans to move.”  The video shows different images of humans performing strenuous activities, lifting weights, running, and pulling objects.  

 

“Muscles have only two primary functions.  To lengthen… and contract.”

 

It shows an arm muscle up close bulging and lengthening.

 

“Nice.”  Undyne comments.

 

“These two functions facilitate all motions humans are able to make.  From heavy lifting... to gracefully dancing.  Muscles are the motions that move us through life.”  

 

The video shows humans dancing and lifting heavy objects before it goes blank. It slowly returns to a set of happy looking humans smiling.

 

"We have gone through some of the most basic human systems that allow the body to function.  But the question remains. Where do humans come from?”

 

No.

 

“This final segment will be a basic exploration of human reproduction.”

 

No, no, no!

 

“Hah, nice!”  Undyne shouts.

 

Alphys begins to scribble even faster as she mutters to herself.

 

Papyurs leans his head in further on his hands as the video continues.

 

NO!  Sans feels himself sweating.  He does not want to watch this.  His eye lights dim to almost nothing as the next image slides onto the screen.  It's a diagram of a male and female human with various spots labeled on their crotches.  What the hell, why are they so fuckin' different, it's not like they have different human types.  Shouldn’t they be basically the same.

 

“When talking about reproduction, we are actually talking about the future of humanity!  Humans are mammals, and thus reproduce internally.  We will start with the female system first.”

 

The hell, they do it all internally!  How the hell do they get it out when it’s done then?  

 

The diagram of the human female crotch is zoomed in and a strange sort of animal shaped head is brought into view.

 

“Human female reproductive systems have two main functions.  The first is to produce egg cells, and the second is to protect and nourish the fetus until birth.”

 

“Hah I knew it!  Humans come from eggs.  In your face Papyrus!”  Undyne screeches.

 

Papyrus growls as he grips his desk.

 

“IT’S NOT OVER YET!”

 

“The human female reproductive system contains a series of organs primarily located inside of the body and around the pelvic region of a female that contribute towards the reproductive process. The human female reproductive system contains three main parts.  The vagina, which leads to the uterus.  The uterus, which holds the developing human baby, and the ovaries, which produce the female's ova. The breasts are involved during the parenting stage of reproduction, but in most classifications, they are not considered to be part of the female reproductive system.”

 

What the hell!  There’s so much stuff.  How the hell do humans reproduce with all this stuff?  There are tons of them everywhere, so obviously they're making babies.  Why is it so complex?

 

“Each ovary contains hundreds of egg cells or ova.  Do not be confused, as these are not the eggs you find in your kitchen.  They are microscopic bundles of information that store the genetic material needed to create new life.”

 

“SEE UNDYNE, THEY AREN’T REAL EGGS!”  Papyrus yells.

 

“Whatever I was still right!”  Undyne yells back.

 

“Approximately every 28 days, females release a hormone that stimulates some of the ova to develop and grow. One ovum is released and it passes through these fallopian tubes into the uterus. Hormones produced by the ovaries prepare the uterus to receive the ovum. If the egg is unfertilized during this time, the lining of the uterus, and unfertilized ova are shed each cycle, and a new one soon starts.  This cycle is what's known as the menstrual cycle.”

 

Huh… So humans did have heats.  Sans wasn’t expecting that.  They've never really talked about it in any of the few pieces of media hes watched.  Whats really strange is the announcer mentioned only females… almost as if males had a different time frame for their heats than their female counterparts.  The idea wouldn’t be that strange.  Humans didn’t have different human types like monsters.  They only had male and female. Guess they have different heats depending on gender rather than human type.  That explains why their genders are so different.

 

“If the ovum is fertilized by sperm, it attaches to the uterus wall, and a new baby human begins to develop.”

 

“HOW FOOLISH.  THE BABY WOULD BE STUCK INSIDE THE HUMAN IF IT WERE TO DO THAT!”

 

“SHHHH”  Undyne shushes.  “I can’t hear what their saying!”

 

“WELL MAYBE HUMANS SHOULD REPRODUCE MORE SENSIBLY!”

 

“Be QUIET!”  

 

They both silence immediately.  The scratching of a pencil on paper is all that can be heard.  Alphys never yells…

 

“And now we bring you to the male human reproductive system.”

 

This time the diagram for the male crotch flies into view.  This one even more bizarre than the first.  They have some sort of strange tail in the front.

 

“The male reproductive system is a series of organs located outside of the body and around the pelvis region of a male that contribute towards the reproduction process. The primary direct function of the male reproductive system is to provide the sperm for fertilization of the ovum.”

 

The image changes back to the two diagrams shown side by side of male and female reproductive organs.

 

Wait, they didn’t say anything about male human heats…?  When do they go into heat? And how often? Sans feels like these videos aren’t very well made.  Besides a bunch'a stupid diagrams, nothing's really been shown.  He's glad humans didn’t make the idiotic mistake of showing anything sexual with a bunch'a monsters all in one room, but he feels like they aren't going into enough detail.

 

“Humans facilitate reproduction through sexual intercourse.  During this process, the male inserts his erect penis into the female's vagina and ejaculates semen, which contain sperm.”

 

The video draws a line pointing at the end of the weird human tail thing towards the female's crotch.  

 

Wait… what the hell? They put that in the other human. The fuck? There ain’t any souls at all in this. What about soul spots? Humans have the weirdest sex. Why do they have so much bizarre stuff between their legs. They fuckin' shoot out food and shoot in baby stuff all from the same place. He sighs, at least he didn’t have to watch anything embarrassing with his bro in the room…. Well mostly….

 

“A small portion of the sperm pass through into the uterus, and then into the fallopian tubes for fertilization of the ovum. Only one sperm is required to fertilize the ovum.  After the fertilized ovum attaches to the uterus wall.  It is only a matter of approximately 9 months before a human is fully developed and is ready to be born.”

 

….what!...?

 

“Nine months.”  Shouts Undyne.  “Humans carry their babies in their stomachs for nine months.”

 

Scratch scratch scratch.  Alphys has stolen Undyne’s sheet of paper and is writing on it like crazy.

 

“Like, oh my god.  Humans are stupid!”

 

“Like, how are any of them still alive.”

 

“LIES!  FILTHY HORRIBLE LIES!  THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS TRUE.  HUMAN FILTH I DEMAND YOU TELL ME THE TRUTH IMMEDIATELY!”  Papyrus shouts at the human girl sitting by the tv.

 

She shakes her in terror, pulling her notebook over her face to cover herself.

 

“Th-that's how it works.”  She squeaks.

 

“WELL HUMANS HAVE OBVIOUSLY BEEN DOING THIS THE WRONG WAY!  SANS, WHEN WE GET BACK, WE MUST HAVE A STERN TALKING WITH HUMAN FRISK TO MAKE SURE THEY DON’T FOOLISHLY REPRODUCE THIS WAY IN THE FUTURE.”

 

“Bo-Boss I don’t think it works like that.”  Seriously, he was a little freaked out too. Nine fuckin' months! It's not like humans can change how they're made.

 

“I WON’T STAND FOR THIS INEFFICIENT HUMAN FOOLISHNESS.  NINE MONTHS IS TOO WASTEFUL.”

 

“PAPYRUS BE-BE QUIET!”  Alphys shouts! She really want's to hear the video.

 

The classroom goes quiet again, and the video becomes audible once more.

 

“...The main systems of a human.  I hope you learned something today about humans.  I know I did.”  The video rolls some credits as Patricia gets up.

 

“Are… are there any questions?” She says hesitantly.

 

Alphy’s hand shoots into the air.

 

“Yes.”  Patricia points to Alphys.

 

“Ho-how do you get the penis to ejaculate sperm.”

 

Patricias face immediately goes red.

 

“That… that isn’t important for the test…  But it's… Usually friction.”

 

“Tch.”  Alphys writes some more notes down as the room remains quiet.

 

“Any other questions?”

 

Papyrus stands from his desk.

 

“I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW HOW HUMANS CAME FROM SKELETONS.  AS FAR AS I CAN TELL, HUMANS AND I HAVING ANYTHING IN COMMON IS A COMPLETE AND UTTER FARCE.  WHAT ARE YOU TRULY HIDING BENEATH YOUR DISGUSTINGLY SQUISHY SKIN?”

 

Patricia simply stares at him wide eyed.

 

“H-Human’s don’t come from skeletons.”

 

“THEN WHERE DO THEY GET THEIR SKELETONS FROM!  TELL ME THAT PATHETIC CREATURE.”

 

“We all have them from birth.  Didn’t you watch the video.  We-we need them to hold our bodies up.”

 

Papyrus huffs as he sits down.

 

“IT IS OBVIOUS THAT NOBODY IS EVER GOING TO GET A CLEAR ANSWER FROM YOU!”

 

He folds his arms looking angry.

 

“A-any more questions.”  Patricia squeaks.

 

The room remains silent.  Sans could probably harass the girl more… but he's a little worried about that look she gave him when she mentioned the second movie.

 

  
“Th-Then we will start the second video.”


	2. Nature's true calling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You have an emergency at Sans house

“Wait, wait, wait!!! I see him coming down!!” You yell.

 

“What, where!?”

 

“Scroll back, you just passed him!”

 

“Where? I don’t seeeaaaaaaah! There you are, fucker!”

 

Sans mashes on the controller, focusing the camera on the lion shaped pinata as it bumbles around on screen.

 

“M’gonna fuckin’ get’cha ya, ya little Roario shit!” He grins evilly, his gold tooth glinting. “Yer gonna fuckin’ love my garden! All ya gotta do is get yer ass in here n’ yer mine!”

 

You watch the pinata walk around the border edge with bated breath. Sans had been stocking his garden for the last twenty minutes trying to attract a Roario. Now that it’s finally here, all you can do is watch and wait.

 

The little candy-filled animal stops for a moment, sniffing at the air.

 

“That’s right! Fuckin’ smell that shit’n get in there!” Sans snickers. 

 

It turns its head and continues walking along the border. “Fuck! He ain’t goin’ in! The hell? What am I missing?” Sans yells in panic.

 

“Nothing, that’s everything!”

 

“R’ya fuckin’ sure?!”

 

“Yeah!” You lift your phone again, reading off the wiki. “To attract a Roario into your garden, you need 5 Doughnuts, 5 Zumbugs and… oh...” You say quietly, realizing you did forget something.

 

“What!?”

 

“You need to increase your garden’s value to 40,000 coins...”

 

“FUCK! The hell are ya tellin’ me that now for!”

 

He immediately brings up a menu, buying several items in an attempt to increase his garden’s value and catch the attention of the pinata animal that’s still roaming around outside.

 

You shift your legs as you wait. You’ve been at Sans’ house for a few hours now, and your butt is starting to go numb from sitting on his uncomfortable lumpy couch. Initially you only came over because Sans was asking you for some advice. His phone’s pretty terrible when it comes to looking anything up on the internet, so when he needed specific information on how to attract the different animals in the game, you got yours out instead.

 

“He still ain’t goin’ in!” Sans shouts, watching the pinata make it over halfway around the outside of his garden.

 

“Give it some time, maybe it takes a little while for it to register the value increase.”

 

“I ain’t got time, ‘es over halfway around already!”

 

“Just wait! He might-”

 

The pinata changes direction, stepping inside the square garden boundary.   
  


“HELL YES!” Sans screams. “Yer fuckin’ mine asshole! Now, eat the damn pinatas!”

 

The Roario bounces across the grass, walking completely past the other pinatas. Instead, it chooses to sniff at one of the planted fruit trees, lifting its head in the air, it yawns, before curling up ready for a nap.

 

“I fuckin’ hate this game.” Sans mutters.

 

“No, Skulls!” You moan. “Don’t say that! This game is amazing!”

 

“Fuck this damn Roario shit!”

 

“He’ll eat them when he wakes up!”

 

“It’s fuckin’ doin’ this on purpose!!”

 

“Just wait, you’ll get him eventually.”

 

Sans moves away from the Roario, and tends to some of his plants in the meantime. He’s in the middle of selling of a bunch of apples, when-

 

“He’s waking up!” You yell.

 

The colorful lion pinata raises its head. After sniffing the air for a moment, it bounces to its feet, wandering around the garden again. It moves near one of the deer pinata, and a message pops up indicating a fight is happening in the garden.

 

“FINALLY!” Sans yells. “Yer fuckin’ mine!”

 

You wiggle your legs in anticipation, watching as the two pinatas fight. The Roario should win, it is the predator, after all. The deer pinata pops, and the Roario quickly consumes its candy insides. Once it’s finished, the lion pinata turns its attentions to its next prey. Only a couple more to go before it’ll choose to stay in the garden. 

 

As you’re waiting, a feeling of urgency suddenly washes over you, and you realize just how long you’ve spent wasting time in Sans’ apartment.

 

But… if you leave now… You won’t get to see the Roario become a resident…

 

You wiggle your legs harder, watching Sans play the game. Just a little longer… You’ll take a break once the pinata chooses to stay. Just… a little...

 

Another deer bursts open, it’s candy innards consumed by the Roario.

 

“Hell yes!” Sans celebrates. “Two more left, right?” He asks, watching the screen intently.

 

“Y-Yeah… two more…” You respond.

 

You aren’t gonna last two more! The feeling of urgency intensifies. As you watch the pinata get into another fight, your realize you need to take a break now.

 

“Be right back!” You call, sprinting from Sans’ couch and running down his hallway.

 

“Kay.” Sans mumbles, still intently watching his old small TV. When he realizes you didn’t leave out the front door, he narrows his sockets. “Wait… What the hell?” He says, turning his head.

 

But you’ve already slammed the bathroom door.

 

“Huh…?” Sans continues to stare at his hallway, confused as to why you suddenly ran down it.

  
The hell are ya doin? Why the fuck did you just run into his bath-

 

His sockets expand when he hears it.

 

Faster than usual for the slow lazy skeleton, Sans runs down his hallway and slams on the bathroom door.

 

“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YA DOIN!?” He screams.

 

You watch the door shake for a moment, feeling your face heat when you realize he knows.

 

“I couldn't hold it!”

 

The door starts to inch open. “Get the fuck outta-”

 

You instinctually slam the door shut with your foot. “Don’t open the door!” You shout back.

 

“Then stop what yer doin’ right the fuck now!”

 

“... It… It’s too late…” You answer back.

 

The door starts to inch open again, and you slam it shut again.

 

“Skulls! You do not wanna come in here right now! I’m… not wearing-”

 

“Then get the fuck out of my bathroom!” He growls back.

 

“I will! Soon, I swear.”

 

“Do it right the fuck now!”

 

“I can’t!”

 

“What do ya mean ya can’t!?”

 

“Skulls! I know I said I am very willing to explain anything you ask in full detail, but I would prefer not to explain the process of human micturition while I’m currently in the middle of it!”

 

“Well ya can’t jus’…!” He goes quiet for a moment, and then, “FUCK! I can fuckin’ smell it!”

 

Your eyes go wide. “Don’t stand in front of the door sniffing while I’m in here!”

 

“I ain’t! Fuckin’ hell! Stop wreckin’ my bathroom!”

 

“I’ll clean the toilet afterward if you want… just… leave me alone please.”

 

“Ya told me ya wouldn’t use it!”

 

“It was an emergency!”

 

“I thought humans can control their shit!”

 

“I said it was an emergency!”

 

“Ya really had ta go ‘n get yer damn human shit smell all over in there?!”

 

“There isn’t any shit smell! I’m not doing that!”

 

Sans goes quiet for a moment, his sockets narrowing. “Then... what the hell smell is that?”

 

“The other… you know…”

 

“What?”

 

“The other one!”

 

“What other one!”

 

“Skulls! I will explain it to you once I’m done!”

 

“FINE! Whatever! Fuck…!” Sans snarls. And you hear his feet stomping off. “The hell would’ja feel if I stank up yer damn apartment...” He mutters down the hall.

 

You sigh, reaching for the toilet paper to finish your business.

 

But there was nothing there.

 

“SKULLS!” You shout.

 

“WHAT!”

 

“You don’t have any toilet paper!”

 

“The fuck do ya need paper for!?!”

 

“What did I just say about explaining this to you!”

 

“Well I ain’t got nothin’ for toilets, so figure it out on yer own!!!” You hear him stomping off again.

 

“WAIT! SKULLS!!! Don’t leave!”

 

“I said I ain’t got any!” He yells back. “S’yer fuckin’ fault fer usin’ my toilet when I ain’t got shit for it!”

 

“I have some in my house!”

 

“Sounds like a problem that ain’t mine…” He says smugly.

 

“I can’t leave your bathroom till I get it.”

 

“Guess yer gonna be in there for a long ass time then!”

 

“Skulls, no! Come’on! You can’t leave me in here.”

 

“Maybe ya should’a thought about that before usin’ my damn toilet, idiot!”

 

“I didn’t mean too!”

 

“Well ya still did!”

 

“I just…” You take a deep breath and sigh. “I was having so much fun watching you play that game, I didn’t realize I needed to go till it was too late.”

 

You hear his feet walk along the carpet as he approaches the bathroom door. He stops in front of it, and you swear you can hear him smile. “Two meals.” He growls. 

 

“What?”

 

“Yer gonna owe me two meals fer this!”

 

“Oh… okay…”

 

“N ya gotta clean my toilet once yer done!”

 

“Okay!”

 

He sighs again. “...Where the fuck is this damn paper at?”

 

* * *

 

Sans appears in your house at his regular spot near your entryway. His eyelights look around slowly, softly casting the dark apartment in a red glow.

 

Ya said it was inna bathroom… So…

 

He marches through your kitchen and down the hallway. When he gets to the end, he pushes the door open slowly, before flicking the light on, and catching his reflection in the mirror. He frowns a little when he sees it, before dropping his eyelights to your sink and counter. For some reason… going into your bathroom makes him feel… The bathroom’s the same as his… but… S’jus’ something odd about being in here without’cha. 

 

His eyelights roam over the counter. Tch… yer always so… damn organized about everything too. For some reason, it kinda pisses him off.

 

Sans suppresses the urge to pick up and look at some of the weird things on the counter, and instead moves his sockets to your toilet. It’s supposed ta be near it, right? Ya said it’s a roll… Why the hell do they roll paper!?!

 

His eyelights land on the strange white roll hanging off the side of the wall. He cocks his head, looking at it.

 

That’s it… right…?

 

He grabs at the roll, his sockets narrowing when it gives against his claws. The hell do ya even need a fuckin’ roll of weird ass soft paper for? Can ya even call this paper?

 

He tugs at it, but it doesn’t come off. What the hell? He tugs at it some more, starting to smash the roll against the rack holding it up.

 

Come off ya fuckin’-

 

Whatever was holding it through the middle suddenly springs from the rack. The roll flings across the counter, scattering objects in its wake.

 

“F-Fuck!” Sans growls watching the toilet paper fall to the floor, unwinding as it rolls away. 

 

He stares at the mess. Should he put it back? He doesn’t even know where any of it goes. 

 

He reaches down, stuffing a handful of objects into his hands and slapping them back across the counter around your sink. Why the hell do humans have so much stuff!? What the hell even is… He looks at some sort of strange metal contraption with strips of spongy black rubber attached to it. This! What the hell is this!?! And... 

 

He picks up your brush, staring at the hair collected in it.

 

Is this… normal…? do humans lose this much hair?

 

In his other fist, he grabs a razer blade.

 

The hell!!! This one’s for cuttin’ hair right? What even…? Isn’t this for human faces? Yer the type that doesn’t get hair on their face, right!?! What the hell are ya even shavin’ off!?!

 

“Skulls? Did you find it?” Your voice sounds from the corresponding bathroom wall.

 

“Shut it! I’m working on it!” He yells back.

 

“It’s right next to the toilet!”

 

“I found it, alright?!”

 

He slaps the last fistfull of weird human bathroom things onto the sink. Taking one look at the disorganized mess, he shrugs before snatching the toilet paper from off the floor. Several feet of it hang off the roll, and he messily tries to roll it back together, before giving up completely.

 

“I got yer damn paper!” Sans growls, teleporting directly in front of his own bathroom. It’s annoying him a little that you won’t let him inside.

 

“Oh… Just uh… Hand it over through the door.” You answer back.

 

He huffs, before inching the door open again, hesitant because you keep slamming it on him. When you don’t immediately shut it this time, he pushes it the rest of the way.

 

His eyelights meet yours for only a moment before he realizes…

 

“S-Skulls!!!” You manage to shout, before a poorly rolled up wad of toilet paper slams into your face.

 

“WHAT THE HELL!?!” He screams, slamming the door immediately. “The fuck are ya doin’ sittin on it with yer pants down?!”

 

“Th-That's how it works!” You say, feeling your face heat. “I tried to tell you!”

 

“That ain’t how it works! Yer supposed ta stand in front’a it!”

 

“Skulls… just… no… I’m a girl!”

 

“The fuck does that matter!?!”

 

“I don’t have a dick Skulls!”

 

“So what?!”

 

You sigh. Guess he wouldn’t really have any way of knowing this… Reaching down, you grab the toilet paper that fell on the floor.

 

“What did you do to my toilet paper…?”

 

“I-It… fell apart on its own…” He yells from the other side. “Ya can still use it right?”

 

“Yeah… this is fine.” You have to untangle it to get some.

 

Once you’re finished with the bathroom, you wash your hands as best you can. Sans doesn’t have any hand soap around his sink, so there isn’t much you can do. He also doesn’t have a hand towel, so you’re forced to dry your hands across your pants.

 

You open the door to Sans leaning against his hallway wall, arms folded, head tucked beneath his hood.

 

“Uh… hey…” You say quietly. 

 

He looks at you, before you both end up turning away. Each face equally reddening.

 

“Ya… Ya should’a said ya weren’t wearin’ yer damn pants… dumbass…”He growls softly. “How the hell was I supposed ta know!” 

 

“Uh… yeah… G-Guess I just… assumed…”

 

You both go quiet again. 

 

“I’m… gonna go get my cleaning stuff now…” You say, starting to walk past him.

 

Sans sighs. “S’fine…” He mutters.

 

“Huh?”

 

“The smell went away when ya flushed it… so… s’fine…”

 

“Are you sure…”

 

“If I say it’s fine, then it’s fine!” He growls a little louder.

 

“Okay…”

 

“N’ stop gettin’ so red!” He snarls, lifting his eyelights to you. “I didn’t see nothin’, alright! Yer shirt was c-covering everything important!!!”

 

“O-Okay!” But you can still feel the heat spreading across your face.   
  


“I said I didn’t see nothin’!!!” he growls again.

 

“I know!”

 

“Then stop goin’ red!”

 

“I’m not!”

 

“Yes ya fuckin’ are!”

 

“I said I’m not!”

 

You walk out of the hall over to his door, putting on your shoes.

 

“Sh-Shit!” Sans yells, realizing he forgot to pause the game.

 

He runs over to the controller and begins to comb through his garden. The Roario had become a resident, then proceeded to murder half his other residents.

 

“Gah! Ya fuckin’ shitty lion shit!”

 

“Later Skulls!” You call, letting yourself out of the apartment.

 

“Whatever!” He snarls back.

 

Once he hears the door shut he pauses the game and sits down slowly on his couch.

 

Running a hand down his face, he feels his magic still heating it.

 

Of course…

 

He sighs, looking at the paused game screen.

 

Of course the lacy, black, silk, skull and crossbone undewear were fuckin’ yours!!!

 

N’ he just had ta see them down around yer ankles...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quality Content
> 
> \--Thank you alphagodith for being my editor

**Author's Note:**

> Part 2 coming whenever. But it will come. Can't wait for that sexual harassment video.
> 
> I am aware there are more systems to the human body than were mentioned. But they weren’t very necessary to monster basic knowledge I felt. Also I think discussing hormones would be too difficult for a basic understanding of the human body. It's just a government integration movie that someone had to put together in a month, not a full on college course.
> 
> Want to read The Skeleton Games  
> http://archiveofourown.org/works/8700787/chapters/19948357


End file.
